I love to run.  I know that, and over the past couple years its one of the few things that hasn’t changed.

I’ve gone from being a lazy video gamer to… well I still play video games, but I got good enough to keep up with a college track team.  I can make all the excuses in the world for why I stopped… crazy girl, too many classes… but when it comes down to it, the other guys were simply better.  I regret dropping.  They’re just starting their competitive season now and I will never know what that would have been like.

At one point, before the track team stuff, I had serious drive to do the New York Marathon.  Where did that go?  I got up to 19 miles at one point, and it felt amazing, and then I just … quit.  I had been documenting everything I did, and suddenly I stopped.

This semester I got it into my head somehow that eating was dangerous.  Told myself it would make me too sleepy before a class, or not good to run after eating… or swim especially.  By Thanksgiving I was literally passing out because I just didn’t have anything left for my body to go on.  How did that even happen?  How did my head get so screwed that I couldn’t see what was going on?

Now… I don’t know.  I ate a lot since Thanksgiving to make myself somewhat healthy again, but mainly I just ate whatever was in front of me no matter what.  How do I feel about that?  Indifferent?  I’m not any slower than I was a month ago… but I haven’t really stopped on this path either.  Starting to tell myself that I’ll spend winter break in the gym… but will that actually happen?  Will I get bogged down in projects or research or something at work or try to spend time with friends?  And why am I even going to goto the gym?  Do I have a reason?  Who or what am I doing it for?

I think… over the past couple years, my metabolism has shifted gears a couple times in order to compensate for various habits of staying up late, working long hours, skipping meals, waking up ridiculously early, eating a lot… I just wish I knew how to make a balance with myself.  And besides loving to run, I don’t know why I do things anymore.