I haven’t seen a blue sky morning like this in over a week.  Maybe its a sign of a new beginning… I want to get out there and run.  6 miles, doesn’t seem too bad :D

I tried out for NJIT’s track team this past Friday and I’m setting up for the long distance events.  Preseason training starts 5:30am on Monday… I think I really like Coach Riggs.  I’ve got some catching up to do, but I feel up to it.

Thought I’d finally found a way around it… maybe even get to ask her tonight.  Rain check on that one.

I’m constantly tired… feel burnt out. FM was supposed to be finished almost 2 weeks ago and I’m doing nothing about it. My cryptography professor is hounding me about work that I don’t want to do with a PhD student whose only real expertise is Java. Most of the other interns don’t want to talk and I feel awkward around them, yet we still see each other out of some weird business etiquette. There’s a race in less than two weeks that I’m so unprepared for… I barely had the will to do three miles today. How sad and pathetic is that, when a little more than month ago I was running 6 miles without too much of a problem?

I’m lethargic and miserable and unhappy… I’m not doing any of the things I wanted to do with this summer [outside of work]. I want to yell out into the night so another human being might hear me, but I’m too tired.

The end of the silence is the loudest moment of all.

I want to go for a walk for no reason other than to walk…

Why do we always need money in order to hang out? Or go out? Or do something?

Happiness comes from acts of kindness we don’t expect… frustration, greed, despair, and hatred come from the unkind acts we always expect. As much as I wish I could eliminate the bad habits in my life that repeat themselves over and over… its hard to break out of them. I get up in the morning… usually the afternoon these days, and already I feel like I’ve wasted time I could have spent in a thousand different ways doing good things. Constructive things. And all I feel is a sense of hopelessness… that happiness is something beyond my reach for the rest of the day.

There are so many things I need to get done this week… the Cryptology projects foremost, and organizing my information for McGraw-Hill. I so wanted to take a trip to south Jersey so that I could see where I would be working and know the route before my first day… maybe I’ll get the chance, but its looking like less of an option now.

I somewhat regret dropping Aikido, but I feel like I’ve already moved on and to go back now… I don’t know. I don’t know what to think about it, and for now indecision means thinking about other things. Martial arts was interesting… but I don’t like hurting an opponent. I don’t think everyone really gets the meaning of those words when I say them… my body almost screams at me when I go to hit someone, and I can’t help it! Its so frustrating, but I can’t get my mind around it.

Too many questions in too many directions right now, and there aren’t any easy answers… so I’ll do what I always do and make a list o.O

To Do List for the Summer:
McGraw-Hill
- Database Project
- Meet with Illustrators
Programming Contest due on July 1st
Fix Ceiling at Home
Gardening
- Rebuild Grape Arbor
- Turn over beds
- Relay paths
Focused Movement, demo on June 1st
- Site Settings
- Gallery Admin
- Image Uploading/Editting
Cryptology
- EC Point Finder Package, May 28th
- Quadruple Multiplication Package
- Stochastic Shipping Package
3DS Max
- Learn/Research
- RealFlow Project
- Hyrule Town Project
Running
- Break 19 minutes for 5k
- Pam Miller 5k, early June
- Morristown Corporate Challenge 5k, mid July