Brain is fried from studying Algorithm Design, body is dead from weight lifting… okay, what’s next? :D

Angry music is awesome for workouts. Made it to 146 chair push-ups tonight.  Arms are happily dead now.  I need to develop a more … routine routine?  Eh, we’ll see.

I don’t even know why I’m so upset right now, I shouldn’t be.  I even felt there was something wrong with the situation.  I thought I was prepared for a no… and now all I can feel is utter bitterness at the world.  I want to snap at someone, be angry, or anything… feel anything but this.  Its Christmas time… and I thought that maybe I’d be able to spend it thinking of someone.  Instead I’m going to spend it with my parents. Alone.  Again.

I hate my life.  I want to just curl up and die right now.

And the funny part is, everyone I know who is IN a good relationship (relative terms of ‘good’) complains about it or isn’t satisfied.  I want to snap at them… to say I would trade my spot with their’s.  Oh boo-hoo you’re only getting kissed, or you barely see the other person, or you think they’re lazy.  At least you have something.  You have someone to hug without thinking you’re being too “friendly” because you really need a hug… you have someone to spill your heart to, you HAVE that.  I’m so utterly tired, I can’t just keep going on nothing but my own happiness.  I feel so sad and alone.  I don’t want to be cheered up, I just want to know that I’m not worthless.

Hmmm.  I think I’m back into being able to do 10 hour runs at studying.  Haven’t even had coffee yet today.  Just got to keep at it and I should be fine for the exam tomorrow.

Oh man, I thought Andy just walked into the cafe.  It wasn’t her… somewhat disappointed, but I probably would have dropped my studies xD so I guess its a good thing…………… merrr lol.  *back to studying*

I love to run.  I know that, and over the past couple years its one of the few things that hasn’t changed.

I’ve gone from being a lazy video gamer to… well I still play video games, but I got good enough to keep up with a college track team.  I can make all the excuses in the world for why I stopped… crazy girl, too many classes… but when it comes down to it, the other guys were simply better.  I regret dropping.  They’re just starting their competitive season now and I will never know what that would have been like.

At one point, before the track team stuff, I had serious drive to do the New York Marathon.  Where did that go?  I got up to 19 miles at one point, and it felt amazing, and then I just … quit.  I had been documenting everything I did, and suddenly I stopped.

This semester I got it into my head somehow that eating was dangerous.  Told myself it would make me too sleepy before a class, or not good to run after eating… or swim especially.  By Thanksgiving I was literally passing out because I just didn’t have anything left for my body to go on.  How did that even happen?  How did my head get so screwed that I couldn’t see what was going on?

Now… I don’t know.  I ate a lot since Thanksgiving to make myself somewhat healthy again, but mainly I just ate whatever was in front of me no matter what.  How do I feel about that?  Indifferent?  I’m not any slower than I was a month ago… but I haven’t really stopped on this path either.  Starting to tell myself that I’ll spend winter break in the gym… but will that actually happen?  Will I get bogged down in projects or research or something at work or try to spend time with friends?  And why am I even going to goto the gym?  Do I have a reason?  Who or what am I doing it for?

I think… over the past couple years, my metabolism has shifted gears a couple times in order to compensate for various habits of staying up late, working long hours, skipping meals, waking up ridiculously early, eating a lot… I just wish I knew how to make a balance with myself.  And besides loving to run, I don’t know why I do things anymore.

I haven’t seen a blue sky morning like this in over a week.  Maybe its a sign of a new beginning… I want to get out there and run.  6 miles, doesn’t seem too bad :D

I tried out for NJIT’s track team this past Friday and I’m setting up for the long distance events.  Preseason training starts 5:30am on Monday… I think I really like Coach Riggs.  I’ve got some catching up to do, but I feel up to it.

Thought I’d finally found a way around it… maybe even get to ask her tonight.  Rain check on that one.

I’m constantly tired… feel burnt out. FM was supposed to be finished almost 2 weeks ago and I’m doing nothing about it. My cryptography professor is hounding me about work that I don’t want to do with a PhD student whose only real expertise is Java. Most of the other interns don’t want to talk and I feel awkward around them, yet we still see each other out of some weird business etiquette. There’s a race in less than two weeks that I’m so unprepared for… I barely had the will to do three miles today. How sad and pathetic is that, when a little more than month ago I was running 6 miles without too much of a problem?

I’m lethargic and miserable and unhappy… I’m not doing any of the things I wanted to do with this summer [outside of work]. I want to yell out into the night so another human being might hear me, but I’m too tired.